"Well-behaved women seldom make history."
- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Photoblog - my best moments of being a stripper

I got a question from a reader that if I'm not so happy in my profession why did I choose this one. I think I wrote down enought time that I chose this because it was a good opportunity to travel. But I started dancing 7 years ago. 7 years is a long period and people change. I also changed. I was happy doing this job but now when I traveled from Canada to China, I have different goals in my life and I look for other options. I think it's absolutely normal in a person's life when she/he realise it's time to make certain changes. 7 years I showed to the world my sexy body. Now I feel it's time to show that I also have a beautiful soul!

And about my best moments.. here are they:






That's a photo montage I selected from my Facebook albums. I only used the photos where I'm alone, I don't want to cause trouble to other dancers who wish to keep their identity a secret. But if I never had chosen to live in this way, I couldn't have these pictures. And as my mum used to say: "These are the memories that nobody can take away from you!"

Friday, 12 June 2015

Just some thoughts..

I'm really on a deep level of understanding myself more and I made some amazing discovery. I realised what is my true problem in this industry. I'm way TOO FEMININE for this work! You think it's great, a stripper must be feminine. A feminine woman is more pleasure for the eyes. But it's not exactly the truth.
The woman seduces. But this work is not about seduction any more. It's manipulation. How can we get more money out of the guy, how can we keep him all night in the club to spend more, how can we get some cash from him. Seduction? Ehh.. pure manipulation. Now you think there is not a big difference between the two. Indeed it's huge! When a woman seduces, she places the man in the centre of her attention. When she manipulates him, the focus on the thing what she can get from him. In our case that's his wallet. The man who belongs to this wallet?? Kidding, right?
I'm fully aware that this is my work and I chose it. I make my money from this to pay my bills. But I can sense how it has been changed in the past years. I few years back we also took care of the person, not only his money. Now it's all changing. There are two kind of game in the clubs. One between a manipulator and an other manipulator. Both know that it's not true. The girl tries to get as much money as she can, and the guy plays hard to give. That's more like a business presentation about why you should buy a certain product. And trust me, there are girls who could teach some new view on marketing to the most difficult business sharks! Or the other game between the manipulator and her/his victim. Yes, it can be both way. When the girl is faking real interest and the guy buys it. He truly believes that the girl wants to see the 67th picture of his dog on his phone. “Show me more photos but can I have one more drink?” In the other way around when the guy is paying to make the girl drunk in the hope he can get more from her in private if she loose the control over herself. “I buy you champagne but you must have also a shot with me.” But what if I don't want to manipulate or being manipulated?
Also the competition between the girls is not a feminine feature. Competition is always masculine, aggressive, active. The feminine energy is passive. (I'm not talking about the way of behaviour.) Most of my customers like me because I'm more of a woman. Not only on the surface. Because I'm different than the others. I'm more feminine (again, I'm not talking about the looks) But these customers come to the clubs less and less – or they died out. They also don't want to participate in this game.
The feminine energy doesn't compete. It's not waiting for the man on top of the stairs to enter the club and jump on him faster than a rocket or doesn't want to push away the others just to be the first. The feminine energy is supportive, soft and helpful. But this is getting to be rare in this work. One night after we finished the shift, I asked a girl who was quiet all night.
“Are you okay?”
“Why do you ask?” asked back with so much aggression in her voice. She had no problem with me as we didn't talk all night. From me it was just an innocent and genuine question. But for her it was something offensive. Because she doesn't get use to that someone honestly care. I do. If someone crying in the changing room or looks sad, I'm the first in the line to ask what's wrong. Honestly. I made good friendships because the girl could feel that I'm not faking it. Not just telling her a few conned “feminine” words.
And that's why I can't stay in this business for so long – beside any other reasons. That's why I feel less and less successful, because I don't want to be part of this manipulative world any more. You would say the whole world is like that. But in strip clubs this manipulation is very intense. I have 2 choice left: wait until the night finally pushes away back to the sunlight or I decide to leave it behind by myself.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

The Death of the Phoenix

I'm going home to die..



No need to worry, everything is OK with me, there is no issues with my health. I'm not going home to literally die. But as I always said, the symbol of the Phoenix has a strong effect on my Life. And just like the Phoenix, I'm going to die to reborn. The old habits, patterns will die with me, I don't want to follow them any longer. It's a strange feeling when one day you wake up and you realise in a nanosecond what you're doing wrong in your Life. Like a newborn baby, you open your eyes first time and you see clearly. But it's up to you what you're going to do with this realisation. I'm cutting everything off that I don't really need or not useful for me, that makes me feel tired, angry, sad or doubtful. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Things that hold me back. It's like a big spring cleaning! I have no regrets. I truly believe that things that belong to my Life they will find the way back to me, the rest is just matter of time when will leave by themselves .

It's painful, but I need to grow. I put 8 years in 4 boxes and decided to go back to Hungary. At least for a while, until I make the final decision. I don't want to live in a fantasy world any more, I decided to come out to the daylight. My eyes still hurt but soon I will get use to it. And I need my family and my family needs me. Where ever you travel in this world, it's always good to go back to your roots, where is the source of your blood.

I often said after reaching my dream – to go to Japan – I have nothing to take from this dancing world. For me that was the last step on the career ladder in this work (if we can call it a career) but after that I didn't find much happiness in it. Stories and experience for my book yes, but now I need to find the time to work more on that book and set up new goals.

I don't stop to work because I still have bills to pay but I will do less and less, and focus more on other aspects of my Life. I will still posting here, but more from memory than about actual work places. And when I'm ready to reborn, I spread my wings and I will return.



Wish me good luck and strength!


 
Updates:

Being on this exciting spiritual journey of transformation, I was constantly dreaming about being pregnant or being in labour. Symbolically all means that I needed to find a way to my creative energy. To produce. To create. To compose. To establish. As the body creates a new life. One week later I had this new blog ready:




It's a strange feeling. I can not type or write as fast as my thoughts flow. I opened the gates front of them by removing all the unnecessary. Plus I think here is the time when I can show I'm more than a stripper. Or at least a wise one. The last two clubs in Belgium really made me think about if I still belong to this lifestyle.